Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Actually, this is why we're stupid

These are Deep-Fried Manicotti Dogs. I found them on They're "chopped and fried hot dogs, sauteed onions, slopped with super cheesy rice and stuffed into manicotti tubes, then breaded and deep fried." I never could have come up with the word "slopped" in that context.

At gun point, I might serve these with a spicy ketchup (Heinz + canned jalapenos) at a Superbowl party, alongside Seven Layer Dip (heavy on the sour cream) and Stuffalo pizza. For dessert, Ambrosia in Dixie cups. is one of those high concept/low content websites that has somehow managed to generate enough material and interest to produce a book. Even though I'm embarrassed - for the creator, the publisher, and our country at large for so easily coming up with the menu - I'm also filled with the sour juice of envy. Apparently, decent writing and a butter knife-sharp wit doesn't hold a candle to boston cream pie wrapped in a basketweave of bacon.

As over-the-top as some of this stuff seems (The Meta Meat Cake should be detonated), we both know this is what Americans really eat. They laugh at the frightening absurdity of it, and then grab a fork. Afterward, they retire to the couch with a large bowl of Raisinets to watch The Biggest Loser while scrolling through to unwittingly snicker at themselves.

If you offered the average American a choice between a large tossed salad and a beer-battered bologna and cheez whiz sandwich, we all know which one would win. And I don't think I'm being cynical when I presume there's a persuasive correlation between intellectual capacity and ounces of Bugles and Bagel Dogs consumed.

So, in the spirit of activism, I'm starting a movement. I'm calling it "Up with Cruciferous Vegetables!!" Brussels sprouts, cauliflower, kale - if it's gas-producing, it's in the manifesto. I'll start a website, make t-shirts, write a book with profanity-laden, veggie-focused one-liners. Alice Waters will host a book signing at Chez Panisse and then cook a six-course meal centered around broccoflower. It's time to take back America, people! Who's in??

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