To the Parents of our Fabulous School,
It's that time of year again, when we're all supposed to bring healthy snacks to baseball games and certifiably organic, kid-friendly, hypo-allergenic, environmentally responsible dishes to all our respective class Potlucks (in reusable containers, of course!).
In years past, I have put forth a Herculean effort, driving all over town, trying to find the one Costco in Downer's Grove that has whole grain granola bars - the low sugar kind - and pretzels without high fructose corn syrup. I have spent hundreds of dollars in gas alone, just to make sure the string cheese has no GMO's or HMO's or whatever it is that causes you to grow a sixth toe.
God forbid your child consumes sugar. But I made sure that wouldn't happen. I bought the juice boxes sweetened with agave. They taste like camel piss, and no one will drink them, but there won't be any obesity at this school! Remember those super duper healthy "tofu-toffee-taffy" bars I made that one year, with dates and brown rice syrup, that got stuck in the pan and it took me two hours to pry them out? You may have loved me, but your kids keyed my car.
Well, I am done. This year, I'm bringing kool-aid, cans of fake whipped cream, and red dye #2 in as many forms as I can find at the convenience store behind my house, which also has super real-looking Kalashnikov water assault rifles. Pretty cool, so I got my kids a couple, along with a pocket knife and some M80's. We'll be calling you for a playdate real soon.
By the way, I'm running for PTA President next year. A vote for me is a vote for change!
Here's to a great season!