Man, I hate tofu

I've been thinking about tofu a lot lately, and I have not been having nice thoughts. I'm feeling a little guilty about it; tofu never did anything to me. But the thing is, I just don't understand the stuff. No matter how cleverly you disguise it, it's still just a jiggly block of flavorless white stuff. Sure, it provides protein. But so does a triple with cheese from Blimpyburger.   

The things they do with tofu annoy me to no end. I like miso soup, but I hate those little wiggly cubes of tofu hiding at the bottom of the bowl, like unwelcome piranha ready to eat the flesh off my lips. I hate when perfectly good Chinese stir fry is ruined with conspicuous blocks of tofu. For God's sake, go the distance. Trade up for the chicken. 

But nothing irritates me more than tofu facsimiles. Tofu chicken nuggets, tofu smokey links, tofu "ground beef." All of it -  it all pisses me off. I just read a review of something called Tofu Pups, so-called imitation hot dogs. The reviewer warned, "Don't expect this to taste like a hot dog - it's much softer." How much softer? Pudding soft? Malt-o-Meal soft? Am I going to have to pour this pup into the bun? 

How could we have let this happen? Why hasn't the inventor of Tofu Pups been detained and his license revoked? Why hasn't he been made to suffer some public humiliation, like maybe a mass upchucking of his product on the ground, at his feet, while the retching sounds are amplified on the Millenium Park sound system? 

We need a group of people in badass uniforms, built like The Rock, with pepper spray and nunchucks, who aren't afraid to kick some ass when someone puts a tofurkey in the oven on Thanksgiving.  

We need the Tofu Police. Anyone with me on this?