Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Man, I hate tofu

I've been thinking about tofu a lot lately, and I have not been having nice thoughts. I'm feeling a little guilty about it; tofu never did anything to me. But the thing is, I just don't understand the stuff. No matter how cleverly you disguise it, it's still just a jiggly block of flavorless white stuff. Sure, it provides protein. But so does a triple with cheese from Blimpyburger.   

The things they do with tofu annoy me to no end. I like miso soup, but I hate those little wiggly cubes of tofu hiding at the bottom of the bowl, like unwelcome piranha ready to eat the flesh off my lips. I hate when perfectly good Chinese stir fry is ruined with conspicuous blocks of tofu. For God's sake, go the distance. Trade up for the chicken. 

But nothing irritates me more than tofu facsimiles. Tofu chicken nuggets, tofu smokey links, tofu "ground beef." All of it -  it all pisses me off. I just read a review of something called Tofu Pups, so-called imitation hot dogs. The reviewer warned, "Don't expect this to taste like a hot dog - it's much softer." How much softer? Pudding soft? Malt-o-Meal soft? Am I going to have to pour this pup into the bun? 

How could we have let this happen? Why hasn't the inventor of Tofu Pups been detained and his license revoked? Why hasn't he been made to suffer some public humiliation, like maybe a mass upchucking of his product on the ground, at his feet, while the retching sounds are amplified on the Millenium Park sound system? 

We need a group of people in badass uniforms, built like The Rock, with pepper spray and nunchucks, who aren't afraid to kick some ass when someone puts a tofurkey in the oven on Thanksgiving.  

We need the Tofu Police. Anyone with me on this?  



  1. I googled 'hate tofu' today after I ordered stir fry that unknowingly contained pieces of said tofu. That search lead me straight here and I wholeheartedly agree! Believe I tried to like it as to make sure my stomach would be content. Sadly, I only made it to 2 and a half out of about 10 pieces too many. Bleh! Tofu is the equivalent of that person at the party you don't necessarily hate but just keep wondering why they even bothered to come. Ugh! /rant

  2. Tofu definitely has a way of ruining your whole meal.

  3. I just started a vegan program. Tofu is terrible.

  4. Tofu really really gets on my nerves! This white custardy crap that has become such an important alternative to 'food'...given such holier than thou reverence, treated with SUCH respect.....what has gone wrong?????
    I never understood it. I kept quiet about that as though I was the mistaken one. But I never bought it or ordered it (order tofu at a restaurant!!!!!!!?). Yesterday it was reverently served in a soup.
    Amen to it.
    Nice to find a tofu rant forum. So pleased I'm not the only one.